Chronically Tired Turning Up As My Authentic Self

Growing up, I thought I ̶w̶̶̶a̶̶̶s̶̶̶ ̶̶̶a̶̶̶ ̶̶̶p̶̶̶o̶̶̶s̶̶̶s̶̶̶e̶̶̶s̶̶̶s̶̶̶i̶̶̶o̶̶̶n̶̶̶ ̶̶̶o̶̶̶f̶̶̶ belonged to the people around me because they laid claim to my personal and private space.

The underlying message I took away was that what is mine isn’t truly mine. It is owned & controlled by someone else.

My possessions, my thoughts, my body what I spoke or what I ate, and what I wore. All of these weren’t my choices to make. Looking back, I feel incredibly angry to witness this. Back then, I was numb and made out to be complicit.

This isn’t really any one person’s fault per se, though this doesn’t excuse what was done to me. But it is the way the society I grew up in is structured.

It took away my voice as its own. It took away my life as its own. It took away my will to live as its own.

And so now, on my quest to rediscover myself to find my way back to myself, every choice I make is an act of courage. Courageous acts require a lot of emotional conviction… emotional spoons if you will.

My life feels like it is chronically short on spoons… and I long for more so I can tread past the emotional fatigue to stand up as myself. Unafraid to be me without it costing me anything; able to withstand the barrage of negative consequences that comes from taking on this fight.

It is a sublime feeling, to be honest and authentic, to be able to turn up as myself. But it is also a costly effort, society almost makes you feel like you’re running in big deficits to reap this reward.

References

Download a free copy of “The Spoon Theory” by Christine Miserandino in PDF format